Wednesday 30 December 2015
Mark's or marks or Marx
What is it with marks. No, not Mark the name, nor Marx the communist. Marks, you know, the small things that appear on freshly laundered clothing. It wasn't there, then after 10 minutes, lo and behold, there it is! Nestling on your arm, reposing on your shoulder. Do these marks linger in the air? And on seeing a newly washed garments, descend and settle in place? Where do they come from? Maybe NAS knows the answer, maybe Stephen Hawking can solve the conumdrum?
Dare you enter into computer geekdom
Tuesday 29 December 2015
Lemmy Motorhead
Having just read that Lemmy has died I feel an immense sadness. I remember seeing Motorhead a few times in my youth, and they always ave it all they had! Lemmy you were legend, and will never be forgotten.
''Only way to feel the noise is when it's good and loud
So good I can't believe it, screamin' with the crowd
Don't sweat it, get it back to you
Don't sweat it, get it back to you
OVERKILL, OVERKILL, OVERKILL''
''Only way to feel the noise is when it's good and loud
So good I can't believe it, screamin' with the crowd
Don't sweat it, get it back to you
Don't sweat it, get it back to you
OVERKILL, OVERKILL, OVERKILL''
Friday 25 December 2015
Thursday 24 December 2015
People who reach the top of the tree are
People who reach the top of the tree are only those who haven’t got the
qualifications to detain them at the bottom.
Peter Ustinov
Wednesday 23 December 2015
Come live with me and be my Love, Christopher Marlowe
Come live with me and be my Love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dales and fields,
Or woods or steepy mountain yields.
And we will sit upon the rocks,
And see the shepherds feed their flocks
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.
And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies.
Christopher Marlowe The Passionate Shepherd to His Love
And we will all the pleasures prove
That hills and valleys, dales and fields,
Or woods or steepy mountain yields.
And we will sit upon the rocks,
And see the shepherds feed their flocks
By shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.
And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies.
Christopher Marlowe The Passionate Shepherd to His Love
Tuesday 22 December 2015
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of you will understand this.
Monday 21 December 2015
Nearly the winter solstice.
Nearly the winter solstice.
In the Northern Hemisphere the December solstice marks the longest night and shortest day of the year with the latest dawn and the sun at its lowest point in the sky
The December solstice happens at the same instant for all of us, everywhere on Earth. This year the solstice occurs on Tuesday December 22nd at 04:49 GMT.
Then imperceptibility the days draw out. Enjoy.
A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant.
A black hole and a nebula are at a restaurant. The nebula orders a
ginormous amount of food and the black hole only orders a drink and a
small appetizer.
The nebula says the the black hole, "Are you sure you don't want more?"
The black hole replies, "Nah, I eat light"
My friend asked me if the new Star Wars fillm was in 3D and I said, yes, but they R2D2.
My friend asked me if the new Star Wars fillm was in 3D
and I said, yes, but they R2D2.
and I said, yes, but they R2D2.
'Whey to go'. Cheese electricity
Cheese story, no, in fact it the 'Whey to go'.
The ever resoucefl French have found a Whey to us e a by product of Beaufort cheese to generate power. Converting said cheese, or skimmed whey, inot a biogas constituted of carbon dioxide and methane. Now all they have to do is find a gigantic bagutte.
Vive la france! Vive la cheese and pass the crackers!
The ever resoucefl French have found a Whey to us e a by product of Beaufort cheese to generate power. Converting said cheese, or skimmed whey, inot a biogas constituted of carbon dioxide and methane. Now all they have to do is find a gigantic bagutte.
Vive la france! Vive la cheese and pass the crackers!
Saturday 19 December 2015
Jimmy Hill R.I.P.
Farewell Jimmy Hill. The passionate presenter of Match of the Day on a Saturday night. R.I.P. Jimmy. Another little bit of childhood is gone forever.
Changing World
Scientists earnestly warn of impending doom, films dramatically portray dramatic shifts in the climate whilst the urge to earn a few spondoolicks.
Everyone knows of the perils of rising sea levels. Miami, built on porous limestone, is basically being slowly but assuredly swamped. Raw sewage is pushed back up into homes and streets by the rising water table beneath the city.
Jakarta is sinking thanks to subsoil compaction. According to estimates is has sunk 4 meters in the past 30 years. Rivers which ran down hill have to be diverted. As the population grows, more water is pumped out to meet demands. This in turn creates further compaction and is creating a bowl. Meeting human demands is sinking the city bit by bit.
In Northern Africa desertification is striding ahead at 30 miles per year. Whilst in Detroit a surfeit of rain, the equivalent of an entire summers precipitation, fell in one day. Needless to say the decaying city's sewage system could not cope.
And how to redress such climatic changes. Well, maybe it is already to late to change. Especially as our raison d'être as a species is to mine, build, sell and use the products of our endeavours.All for money. All for things.
Everyone knows of the perils of rising sea levels. Miami, built on porous limestone, is basically being slowly but assuredly swamped. Raw sewage is pushed back up into homes and streets by the rising water table beneath the city.
Jakarta is sinking thanks to subsoil compaction. According to estimates is has sunk 4 meters in the past 30 years. Rivers which ran down hill have to be diverted. As the population grows, more water is pumped out to meet demands. This in turn creates further compaction and is creating a bowl. Meeting human demands is sinking the city bit by bit.
In Northern Africa desertification is striding ahead at 30 miles per year. Whilst in Detroit a surfeit of rain, the equivalent of an entire summers precipitation, fell in one day. Needless to say the decaying city's sewage system could not cope.
And how to redress such climatic changes. Well, maybe it is already to late to change. Especially as our raison d'être as a species is to mine, build, sell and use the products of our endeavours.All for money. All for things.
Friday 18 December 2015
Robert Harris Imperium
Thursday 17 December 2015
A dwarf escaped from prison so
A dwarf escaped from prison so he could fulfill his dream to go skydiving. (Skydiving is when you jump out of a plane way up in the sky with a parachute to slow your fall) ....
Sorry if that was a little con descending.
Never argue with a child
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
Wednesday 16 December 2015
Time for handy seasonal hints such as
Guide for the dim witted with too much time on their hands for Christmas
How to make a bird-feeder door wreath. Birds have existed for a long, long time. They might just still get by without the silly bird table.
How to buy the right Christmas tree, and then care for it. Surely a joke? If the tree is taller than your front room, or house, or is wider than Kim Kardashian's backside, then it is too big for you. Repeart too big! Care for the tree, how about leaving it in the ground where it was growing in the first place!
How to make Christmas decorations from your garden Oh really, just go and buy the usual rubbish from the pound shop.
Air today, gone tomorrow!
Congratulatiuons to Major Time Peake for joing the International Space Station. He was elated to be there and settled in with a nice cup of tea and crumpets!
Monday 14 December 2015
Table for four.....table optional
Restaurant. Open the door. The waiter looks at us. We walk in. Our search for food at an end.
The waiter walks up to us.
'A table for four', he asks. Gormless.
'No, we want to sit on the floor and eat!
The waiter walks up to us.
'A table for four', he asks. Gormless.
'No, we want to sit on the floor and eat!
Sunday 13 December 2015
Uninformative Information Point
Friday 11 December 2015
Things that make Christmas special. Not part 2
What Christmas would be complete without cheesy, corny and downright irritating Christmas cards. Even worse, the people who care not one stuff about one all year. Come Christmas however and they demand a card, and feel a year's lack of attention is fully rescinded by the sending of this small piece of junk mail. Save the trees and forgo this stupid tradition. Show attention, care and respect for people all year. Not, repeat not, just because they re on a stupid list!
Funny ones, sweet ones, sincere. One and all into the bin, for to send them is a sin!
Funny ones, sweet ones, sincere. One and all into the bin, for to send them is a sin!
Things that make Christmas special. Not
Why, oh why did anybody invent, think up, dredge up from the depths of their fetid minds mulled wine. Where to start? Sweet enough to peel your teeth, saturated in cloves and just too hot! As if that isn't enough it has bits of wood floating on the surface. Pass it by and stick with a good dry red wine.
Food and other Monstrosities
Food and other Monstrosities
‘’The British Empire was created as a
by-product of generations of Englishmen roaming the world in search of a decent
meal.’’
Bill Marsano
A substance consumed to provide nutritional support for the body.
Usually of plant or animal origin and contains nutrients, such as
carbohydrates, fats, proteins, vitamins, or
minerals. Did Mother ever read the aforementioned sentence, he feared
not. What of all the pummeling, scraping, mashing and boiling done in the name
of producing dinner. Food was smashed into submission, denuded of any flavor or
nutritional value, and for him his first memories of dinners were as endurance
tests to check his tenacity to get through a mealtime served on the space out
yellow table But which in his own deluded amnesia ridden mind were ‘’Good’’.
‘’Nobody cooks like your own Mother.’’ Thank God for that, he thought in
later life. I can go out and eat without
worrying. For instance, a potato was not
a potato until it was peeled, washed, boiled until almost taking on the
consistency of the water itself. Then it was duly mashed vigorously into a
white, sticky globulous mass. This then sat on the edge of a plate like a huge
blob of lumpy wallpaper paste. Then
there were imaginatively named greens, also termed potherbs (pot!) vegetable greens, leafy greens or just
disgusting. He knew them as disgusting.
Greens have a lot of vitamin K and fibre, and are also high in protein,
iron and calcium. So all in all they were pretty healthy supplements to our
heroes diet. Isn’t theory always good. In practice Mother’s greens were so
overcooked that it would have been better to drink the water they were drowned
in and throw out the leafy remains. Sadly the green leaves themselves made it
to his plate. The taste, smell and texture of greens was abhorrent to him, but
what did he hear?
‘’Eat up your greens’’, and ‘’You can’t leave the table until you’ve ate
your greens.’’ Yes, I can, you just watch me! And Mother’s ‘piece de
resistance’, ‘’ There are children in Africa who would love these greens.’’
Sod it, let them have them, he thought. But
the ballbuster and the ace up her sleeve in this continual mealtime struggle
was, ‘’ You won’t get any afters if you don’t eat your greens.’’ And that was
it, time for afters in working class parlance. Desert for the more refined.
For him, afters was the only thing that survived the cooking process and
passed muster in regards to Mother’s food. These concoctions were put in the
bowl or dish before the curtain of political correctness and health, calorie
intake and sugar obsession minded do-gooders poked their noses into everything.
He savoured the round rough pastry that was smothered in sugar coated Kellogg’s
cereals, that by turn were then drowned in a sea of Tate and Lyle Golden Syrup,
which is basically a treacle. This was all popped into the oven, baked until a glazed and hardened and then served
with lashings of cream, ice-cream or custard. Sickly deliciousness personified.
Sundays. Sundays and food. Sundays before morning television. Not, truth
to tell, did our hero find much of an edifying nature on the goggle box,
anyway. Sundays without shopping. He detested shopping with every molecule of
his burdensome body, but at least it was different to being at home on Sunday.
Sunday with the impending doom of Monday ever waiting in the wings. Gnawing
away at his mind, dog with bone like. Sunday and still too young to be allowed
the freedom of going to the picture with his mates, and all the great fun
messin’ about on the way there and back. Sundays when it rained. It always
rained on Sundays. Always. Grey long tedious Sundays that stretched out before
him as if it were a dull grey long toilet roll, forever unrolling its way down
an endless set of stairs. Sunday afternoon often saw the family assembled in
the front room with the television
switched off. Mother would put to good use, in her mind’s eye, a ready standby
from her youth. Games. Family games. One such game which really helped to
confirm that there was nothing, zip, zero to do in the whole of creation was ‘I
spy with my little eye’ which would in full carry on with ‘something beginning
with b, or h or c. Then the other family members would scan the room, for it
had to be something in the room, and then rattle off a series of guesses. Well
one afternoon the family sat down to Sunday tea with salmon sandwiches. Sunday
was special and so was salmon. Tinned but still deemed worthy of a Sunday. It
was of course accompanied by cucumber in a cosy white sliced sandwich. Tea was
served from a teapot into cups and saucers, no don’t drink from the saucer,
Father! Then French fancies. Moist square sponge cakes lovingly drizzled over
by the machine that made them. Topped with buttercream and coated in fondant
icing. They came in a choice of brown,
pink and yellow. Lovingly served in little dollies and containing only 30 percent
sugar. Sickly deliciousness personified. Accompanied on the coffee table by
Cherry Bakewell tarts, because Mother couldn’t bake well, Manor House sponge
cake replete heavily dotted with sultanas, packed with sugar and if that wasn’t
enough how about Angel Slices. Yet another sugar overdose, this time with
fondant in pink and yellow, and a vanilla filling running down the length of
the Angel. Such a sweet Angel. Mother had
found how to banish dreary Sundays. Bury them under snowdrifts of sugar,
fondant and sultanas, and what the hell, more sugar.
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave.
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find some blood", he suggests.
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the day", says the other bat. "Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or what?"
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says the second bat. So the first bat flies anyway. After a few minutes he is back with blood smeared all over his face.
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the day?", asks the second bat. "Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see that tree?"
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
"Well, I didn't", replies the first
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the
couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
A preacher visits an
elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices
a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
A preacher visits an
elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices
a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
A preacher visits an
elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices
a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Read more on page: http://www.jokesoftheday.net/
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